A locus for eccentrics (hopefully)

Monday, April 30, 2007

The Worst Films to win Best Picture

In no particular order....

1. Titanic
2. Crash
3. Million Dollar Baby
4. The English Patient
5. Shakespeare in Love

That is all.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


Q: Which does not belong in this group: Apple, Grape, Banana, Cherry, Pear.
A: The apple, because he is African American, and probably on welfare.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A flying car

Q: What has three eyes, but cannot see?
A: According to the International Atomic Agency, 1 in 70,000 babies born in Ukraine in the three years after the Chernobyl disaster.

Q: What has a big mouth, but doesn’t say a word?
A: Your formerly bigmouthed sister, who lives in such constant fear of her abusive husband, she barely even speaks now.

Q: What question can someone ask all day long, always get completely different answers, and yet all the answers could be correct?

A: What time is it? Also: Any other question this person asks, because he has Alzheimer's.

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Three more things that are even more pathetic than they sound

1. Waiting in line for two hours for Hugh Downs' autograph. When you receive it, it says: To John, Best Wishes, Hugh Downs. Your name is not John.

2. Riding in the sidecar of a 1992 Honda Goldwing.

3. Calling a radio station to request It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls. You stay up late listening to the radio for it to come on, but it never does.

That is all.

Monday, April 23, 2007

< < Chorto! > >

Remember to pour out some Stolichnaya today for Boris Yeltsin, who just passed away at a very impressive 76.

I think he'll get a harsh send-off from most media, which is not totally undeserved (see: loans-for-shares, Chechnya, and the ties between his "Family" and the Russian Mafia), but on balance I'm not sure how much we could have expected of anyone else.

It's passe, but I'm going to go ahead and Blame America for a lot of what happened there between '91 and '99 (extended thoughts possibly, but not probably, to follow in an extended post).

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

"I don't NEED no instructions to know how to ROCK!"

Run, don't walk, to see the Aqua Teen movie.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The google-able Guy Tarkington

People want to know more about Guy Tarkington.

My name comes up again and again on Metacrawler's metaspy, the Web site that shows what people are searching for on the Internet. I am more popular than ever. Bigger than Jesus, even.

Here is just a short list of search terms that are associated with me:

Guy Tarkington + deadbeat dad

guy tarkington, restraining order, marilu henner

Guy Tarkington + diarrhea + Phoenix public library + reading room chair

Guy Tarkington topless beach photos

guy tarkingon (sic) + mail order medicine scam + counterfeit insulin

That is all.

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

Lies, Damn Lies and... ?

I assume that Jackie Robinson Day in major league baseball was meant to commemorate an important and too often forgotten event in our nation's history.

Predictably, it hasn't worked; it's just given more grist to the melodramatic ESPN Morality Brigade, who have taken the obvious way out ("Why don't more black people play baseball?") rather than grapple with something that would require thoughtful consideration ("Why has the integration of Hispanic and Asian players been so much easier? And what does it mean that there are an increasing number of Hispanic managers and GMs, but at the same time Ozzie Guillen keeps calling people fags and gets away with it essentially because he's a Latino and pretends to not understand English?").

Gene Wojiechowski is not the man to ask those questions, both because he spends most of his free time bitching about how basketball players don't practice enough and because he's a jackass. So here are some interesting numbers:

Sport / Black Representation, by %
Life (ie, US population) ~12
Baseball ~8
Basketball ~80
Football ~65

And a question: why is it a worse sign for US race relations that African Americans are down 4% in baseball than it is that they're up over 60% in the other two major sports?

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Somewhere, David Eckstein is Smiling

PHOENIX -- Cincinnati manager Jerry Narron benched cleanup hitter Edwin Encarnacion after he failed to run out a pop fly in the first inning of the Reds' 3-2 victory over Arizona on Wednesday night.

"I don't care if we lose every game, we're not going to play guys that don't hustle," Narron said. "Simple as that."

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Just because it's there and offensive to every known sensibility

I don't know. I feel like if I share this, the shame I feel in having watched this will be diminished.

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Friday, April 06, 2007

Robert Mugabe, JD...er, no?

Suck it down, jerkface.


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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Eric Davis is not amused

Monday, April 02, 2007

Things that are even more pathetic than they sound.

1. Spending the weekend in the Wisconsin Dells with Rockford, Illinois mayor Lawrence J. Morrisey.

2. Realizing you're a woman trapped in a man's body but unable to afford a sex change operation, you wear women's clothes purchased at a thrift store.

3. Being too cheap to buy name-brand laxatives, using the generic E-Z Lax brand instead.

4. Clipping your toenails, and then smelling them.

5. Hiring a prostitute just because you need someone to talk to.

That is all.

I had seen this before, but I forgot how fucking awesome it was.

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