Things that are even more pathetic than they sound.

1. Spending the weekend in the Wisconsin Dells with Rockford, Illinois mayor Lawrence J. Morrisey.

2. Realizing you're a woman trapped in a man's body but unable to afford a sex change operation, you wear women's clothes purchased at a thrift store.

3. Being too cheap to buy name-brand laxatives, using the generic E-Z Lax brand instead.

4. Clipping your toenails, and then smelling them.

5. Hiring a prostitute just because you need someone to talk to.

That is all.