Da Zveidanya, Baby!

The link itself means that there's no explanation necessary.

http://www.returnofterrytate.com

Another Open Letter to the Media

The "N" in Nawaz Sharif's Pakistan Muslim League-N stands for Nawaz, you fucking morons. Calibrate your expectations for Pakistani democracy accordingly.

Observations

It's not that Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Howard Dean aren't the first people I would pick to bring the nomination to a legitimate and fair (ie, not changing the rules to seat MI and FL) conclusion -- it's that they are the last people I would pick.

"Good News, Everyone!"

The Third-Rate Fourth Estate

I hate buying into conventional American Politics analyses of media, framing and electoral behavior, but it is really tough to accept this ham-handed, curiously-Super-Chesapeake-Tuesday timed lead story in the New York Times in any other way. It resuscitates every Clinton race-baiting storyline from the South Carolina primary--which was, oh, a month ago--and unceremoniously regurgitates it back into their readership's consciousness without provocation.

"Seeking Unity, Obama Feels Pull of Racial Divide."

"...Barack Obama had hoped to be above racial tensions, but he has been pulled into the thick of them."

"...Mr. Obama and his advisers hoped would be the tone of a campaign they were determined not to define by the color of his skin."

"... As he heads into a fresh round of contests Tuesday, the Potomac primaries, in a tight rivalry with Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York and with an impressive record of victories across the nation in which he drew significant white votes and overwhelming black support, he claims to have accomplished that goal." (Emphasis added)

"...the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton..."

Hey, guess what, jackasses? It took me all of five minutes to determine that Obama won 68% of the vote in a state (Washington) where blacks make up... 3.6% of the population. But please, don't let that disturb the echosphere.

Quick Question

I'm sitting here getting bombed on red wine and watching the GOP debate as it crashes into my face like a speedboat propeller, and I'm confused about precisely one thing:

Did Giuliani always speak with such a noticeable lisp?

Recursion

I spent about 2 weeks last spring enamored with the idea of a Michael Bloomberg presidential run. I've followed politics one way or another from a (relatively) young age, and then studied the subject in a Ph.D. program; that, plus my advancing age, has turned me off from a lot of the process. Those few ideological principles I've hung on to are either stuck in an unsatisfying, tense gridlock (pro-choiceism) or held hostage as we wait for a lot more people born before 1968 to die off (gay unions). So, the concept of a post-ideological campaign that would presumably be a lot more concerned with making the goddamn trains run on time was pretty attractive. Plus, anything that wedges off more Wall Street Republicans from their mouth-breathing, dirt-farming, gay-bashing, Negro-lynching bretheren and hand the election to the Democrats could only be a good thing, right?

Imagine my sigh of disappointment upon reading the following from the Times:

The mayor, who spoke from 1:17 p.m. to 2:05 p.m., called for taking DNA samples from every person arrested in New York City, no matter how serious the crime; ending social promotion for eighth graders, as he has already done for students in three younger grades; and extending a $400-a-year property tax rebate and a 7 percent property tax deduction despite mounting budget pressures. He promised to give “a six-figure prize” to anyone who invents a device that allows the Police Department to analyze DNA immediately, at crime scenes.

1) This is some fascist fucking shit. DNA swabs for carrying a dime bag? Shoplifting? And how long until that DNA database gets stolen out of the backseat of somebody's car and then, without explanation, ends up in the hands of your health insurance provider. "Mr. Dudebro, there is no possible way that we could cover your soon-to-be-preexisting diabetes."

2) What is with this country's fascination with forensic science? Although roughly 90% of television hinges on crimes that are either unsolvable (Cold Case), can only be solved by magic (CSI) or only be solved by the four competent law enforcement personnel in Manhattan (Law & Order), I feel like that's not how the world actually works. 96 crimes out of 100 must either be drug possession, spousal abuse or killing someone in your immediate family. In what fucking world are criminals running around scot-free because the crime lab couldn't return a blood type on time? And "instant DNA analysis" is something you need to invest a 100K bounty + R&D and distribution costs for?

Pretty much all the crimes that Vic Mackey solves are essentially random and gang-related, and his entire precinct has one fucking computer.

Don't Cry for Me, Argentina

It's early, but it's clear there's going to be a whole lot of horseshit about Benazir Bhutto and how her assassination is a tragedy, with the one light for a progressive Muslim state was extinguished in a hail of gunfire.

As Chuck D might say, "Don't believe the hype."

Or, as the O.D.B. might say -- were he not a martyred democrat in his own right -- "Bitch took my money!"

Indeed, bitch did take my money -- except by "my" I mean Pakistan's, and by "money" I mean hundreds of millions of dollars. US dollars. The real ones. While the NY Times might now be leading the charge in whitewashing her past here in the west -- the early obituary on their web site's front page describes her as an "charismatic and sly political operator" -- they also ran a story 8 years ago describing the $100M that was probably just the tip of the fucking iceberg. This would seem to lay bare the fact that Bhutto, like so many other Harvard-educated heads of illiberal states, was at best a secular kleptocrat. And, like so many other failed states, she was a kleptocrat that perpetuated the worst kind of inherited rule in a nominally democratic system.

Of course, everyone will be desperate to find some sort of good vs. evil storyline to make sense of the total clusterfuck that is Pakistan. The central conflict of assassin vs. assass...ee is straightforward enough; and since the assassin's a terrorist we're left with Bhutto as the hero. I would urge us all to remember that having boobs doesn't necessarily qualify you for sainthood.

Contortionists

At first I was amused by Romney's attempt to manufacture history by taking a bullet for the Church of Latter-Day Saints (of Gold Tablets and Magic Hats). Now though, as is so often the case, I'm angry.

Kennedy's 1960 "It's Okay to be Catholic!" speech was premised on the idea that while we can't expect religious candidates for office to suddenly drop everything they believe in, we can -- must -- require them to not use office as a vehicle for the faith. This is otherwise known as "obeying the Constitution."

Romney's speech argued that being a Christian is a requirement for public office, but that conservatives should skootch the velvet rope over a bit to include Mormons. That was it. That was the entire speech. That, and we should talk about faith in politics, make sure that our officials are Christian, but not ask them about what they actually believe. God forbid if we actually got an answer about why the president wears magic underwear, or why they think Native Americans are actually Israelites cast out of the Holy Land, or why his church really hated black people.

That said, the Speed Racer trailer looks sweet.

You've Got to be Kidding Me

Obama attacks Clinton for not being sufficiently pro-ethanol.

Remember folks, keep fighting against electoral primary reform. Putting Iowa and New Hampshire first is tradition, dang nabbit, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a communist and is not to be trusted.

Democracy in America

Ladies and gentleman, the man who is going to save us from the grim harvest of hair product that would be a Mitt Romney presidency, Mike Huckabee.

"Still, there is a new sense of possibility in the Huckabee campaign. It has been fueled in large part by evangelicals, including a politically active home-schooling population, dissatisfied with his better-financed competitors ... He is an ardent proponent of the “fair tax,” which would scrap the national income tax for a national sales tax."

I just wrote out a crack about how conservatism ought to be recategorized as brain damage, but I thought of a better joke -- the image of a generation of home-schooled historians, trying to make sense out of the bizarre political cleavages of our times, but unable to wrap their spelling-bee-winning brains around anything more complicated than Veggie Tales.

Pander (intr. verb): "To cater to the lower tastes and desires of others or exploit their weaknesses."

We won't do anything about the ongoing genocide in Darfur, armed suppression in Burma or open political assassinations in Syria, but by golly we can--and will!--make sure that System of a Down sees that justice is served.

Never Again.

Rank Hypocrisy

Last night I got stuck behind a Volkswagen Passat who thought that the speed limit is 20 MPH on the way to my soccer game. The car had two bumper stickers:

1) "IRAQ IS ARABIC FOR VIETNAM" -- well, fair enough. I don't think it's as perfect a match as a lot of war critics do, but it's not unlike it at all.

2) (And here I'm paraphrasing) "NO ONE IS FREE WHILE OTHERS ARE OPPRESSED" -- Really? I'd love to hear what sort of solution that a hypothetical third bumper sticker would offer vis-a-vis rescuing people from oppression...

Field Research

Larry Craig, Republican of Idaho, claimed that what an undercover cop thought was an offer for man-on-man restroom action was merely the result of an unusually wide stance on the throne. (Copy of the original complaint).

On my way to take a dump at work this morning, I went ahead and tried that out.

The first thing I noticed is that, my pants around my ankles, I only had so far to move my feet in the first place. I could only get them maybe 6 inches further apart than shoulder-width.

If you hike your pants back up -- dangerous ground to be sure, but hey, this is science -- you do get a little more clearance. I still couldn't get my left foot anywhere close to the stall divider, though. To do that, you really do have to torque around on the toilet, and then move both feet toward the divider.

Gentlemen, I submit to you that Larry Craig is a total faggot.

But Hey, at Least Franco's Still Dead

Nawaz Sharif, last seen ramming through constitutional amendments to put him in charge of the country for life, is returning to Pakistan in what he hails as a "victory for democracy." Benazir Bhutto, prime minister for almost two years in the late 1980s before being run into exile for embezzling a few hundred million dollars -- her and her husband have had Interpol warrants for such issued for them -- is also set to return.

I can only imagine how much living standards will improve in that part of the world once they've gotten rid of that mean old general and replaced it with civilian government.

< < Chorto! > >

Remember to pour out some Stolichnaya today for Boris Yeltsin, who just passed away at a very impressive 76.

I think he'll get a harsh send-off from most media, which is not totally undeserved (see: loans-for-shares, Chechnya, and the ties between his "Family" and the Russian Mafia), but on balance I'm not sure how much we could have expected of anyone else.

It's passe, but I'm going to go ahead and Blame America for a lot of what happened there between '91 and '99 (extended thoughts possibly, but not probably, to follow in an extended post).