Guy Tarkington's Most Hated Christmas Songs of 2006

Hi all--

I was urinating at work and began daydreaming about all the Christmas songs I hate, and I thought you might like to know.

Santa Baby: Let me get this straight: Eartha Kitt wants to fuck Santa Claus??

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas: Here's what I want. I want to knock on the door of whoever wrote this song, and when he answers the door, punch him right in the mouth.

Feliz Navidad: Half the population of the United States will be speaking Spanish in like 20 years, and I don't need a reminder of this fact, especially at Christmastime.

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth: Whenever I hear this song, I get the .38 revolver out of my bureau, go to the mirror and point it at my head, just to see what it would be like.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer: Fortunately, I haven't heard this song this year. Personally, I don't see what's so funny about one's grandmother dying in a hit-and-run accident. Wait, that is pretty funny! Hats off, Patsy and Elmo!

Twelve Days of Christmas: When, oh when, will this song ever end?? Can you just like, give the list and not repeat every single one of them every time? Thanks.

Do They Know It's Christmas?: Haven't they solved that whole "starving" thing in Africa? Why are they still playing this? Should I buy one of Bono's Red iPods? Will that make them stop?