A locus for eccentrics (hopefully)

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Top 6 worst cups of coffee

I likes me a good cup of joe. I've vacillated between abstaining and abject addiction, and I think I prefer the addicted me on coffee better. (Than the no-coffee me. Don't you just hate it when people write I like x better...Than what dumbass?) Anyway here's a list of my 6 worst coffees. Of all fucking time.

06. Ricoffee. This was the only readily available coffee in Mozambique. From time to very rare fucking time, you'd be able to get a hit of Nescafe smack, but for the most part you had to deal with Ricoffee. It was, of course, instant, and infused with a dollop of chicory. I know chicory may be the norm in NoLa, but goddamn if it wasn't the worstest, nastiest bit of bitterness that I've ever had to stomach at 7 am. In fact, Ricoffee was so bad, I had to switch to tea. Yes people. Tea in the morning to wake my ass up. I suppose the presence of goats in my front yard sort of allowed the whole episode to filter over into Bizarro world anyway.

05. Cafe du Monde. Again with the chicory badness.

04. Maxwell House Coffee Singles. So I had been seriously hurting for coffee at work for a while now because my only option was the communal office Bunn coffee pot (see #01). I scrounged and, lo and behold, encountered Coffee Singles by Maxwell House. Think of a tea bag with coffee inside instead of tea. So I heated the water, dunked the bag, and sipped away. I should have known from the translucent liquid that it would be bad. Pretty much tasted like ass too.

03. Decaf. What's the point unless you're 50+?

02. Millstone. I think this is the brand in our cafeteria. It is seriously some of the shittiest coffee I have tasted. There's a Starbucks around the corner, but the line was long and I decided to take my chances. Big mistake. There wasn't enough cream or sugar that could mask this cup's horrid taste. In fact, I remember literally laughing at how bad the flavor was on this one. It was as if the Sumatran bean gods had decided to kick me in my lymph nodes while I was down. Even more troubling is that I see tens of twenties of people daily walking around without a air of worry, happily carrying these frothy concoctions of ick.

01. Communal office Bunn coffee pot. I honestly don't know if anyone ever brews coffee in this thing or if it just erupts from a hidden coffee spigot nestled deep under the cabinetry. Regardless, this is just unacceptable. It is the definition of fetid toxicity. It's also a pot that has two burners--one for keeping your pot warm while brewing another "fresh" pot. The coffee comes pre-packaged in round, sausage patty-like filters. I'm guessing that the office ordered in bulk a few years ago and is still working on depleting its reserve. Additionally, the machine needs a thorough hosing down; somehow salt deposits have formed on its faux-chrome exterior. All around, a very disturbing phenomenon.


Blogger Christopher said...

Hah! Your article gave me a good chuckle.

1:04 PM


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