The Guy Tarkington Show

If I had my own daytime television talk show, every once in a while I would put surprises under the audience members’ chairs. One day, I would tell each audience member to look under their chair for a surprise, and there would be an angry hornet’s nest. On yet another day, a coupon for denture adhesive, and around Christmas time, a can of Bumble Bee tuna.

When they looked back up in a fury of disbelief, shock and confusion, the camera would pan over and do an extreme close-up on my face as I delivered the show’s catch phrase:

Stop bein’ so greedy, bitches!