A locus for eccentrics (hopefully)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I dislike you, Joe Morgan

An open letter to Joe Morgan:

Sir,

Let me begin by telling you how happy I am to have ESPN resuming baseball coverage with the onset of the 2006 season. I like that a) some dude from the Tigers has like 12 HRs through 10 games; b) Barry Bonds is currently hitting .093 with 0 Honron; c) Corey Patterson still sucks ass, no matter where he plays; d) Sammy Sosa sucks; and e) Greg "crazy psycho ass" Maddux is 40 and is throwing as if he were 32.

I do not, however, like your announcing skills Joe Morgan.

No matter how you try to cover it up, either through the bombastic stylings of Chris Berman or the lulling sense of security provided by Jon Miller, you sir, suck ass. And I've known plenty of announcers who have also sucked ass, e.g., Chip Carey, The Hawk ("he gone!"). Steve Stone, incidently, has gotten much better now that he's on ESPN and living it up with Rick Sutcliffe.

However, Joe Morgan, nothing can compare to your inane ramblings about ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. Time and time again, you make long, circuitous arguments that lack any point. Or, worse, you state the PURELY OBVIOUS concerning the situation on the field. ("You know Jon, if Randy Johnson gets his fastball up to 100 mph and hits the corners, he's going to strike some guys out." NO SHIT SHERLOCK.)

Nonetheless, I learned that somehow you earned your fourth Peabody award for excellence in broadcasting last year. WTF?!? Whenever I turn on the game and you are announcing, I feel like I've been taken back to a time when both excitement and proper grammar were in dearth. A FUCKING DEARTHLIKE TIME, I TELL YOU. And don't get me started on the whole "I was talking to Tony [LaRussa] last night and he told me..." qualifiers that you always stick in there. These guys would rather have their teeth deep-cleaned than be subjected to your banality.

Hey, I wish I could say that I once played on a team that was Christened the Big Red Machine, don't get me wrong. But just as you once, long ago, hung up your proverbial spikes, it is also time for you to switch off your golden microphone.

And put Ron Santo on instead.

XO

8 Comments:

Blogger steve said...

I never really understood why you hated Steve Stone so much. He's relatively smart, an asshole (i.e. he doesn't CONSTANTLY refer to talking to players, how much he wants to stroke *insert minor Cubs player here*) and he knows a fair amount about pitching. Cy Young award winner Steve Stone.

I always thought you were just transferring all your hate for Chip Carey onto him.

Also, it doesn't really matter who they pair up with Jon "Mr. Sandman" Miler. He's still the best.

10:51 AM

 
Blogger Jefe said...

I guess it wasn't Stoney's content so much as his grating voice. I think now that he's away from the perennial losing Cubs, he's a lot happier. Yeah I do like Jon Miller though. I'd like to sit on a porch in Kansas and drink some ice tea with him someday.

11:26 AM

 
Blogger neill said...

"You wanna talk about a guy who really loves announcing? You wanna talk about a guy who really just gives 110% out there? I wanna show you this right here--just watch this, alright, play it back, right here, look for it... right there! You're gonna tell me that that guy doesn't love baseball?"

"You know Paul, I was just talking to Joe Morgan's 2nd cousin yesterday during practice, and he told me that Joe's really going to go out there and call some baseball today."

1:38 PM

 
Blogger neill said...

Wait a second-- Ron Santo?

8:59 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe it's Ronnie "I can't feel my legs" Santo.

8:22 AM

 
Blogger neill said...

No, I definitely know who he is--but he's also a shitty sportscaster, so it's not obvious how he's a step up from Morgan.

9:26 AM

 
Blogger steve said...

If they'd just take my advice and have Bill Walton announce all games in every sport everything would be fine!

10:35 AM

 
Blogger neill said...

Totally!

"You are watching some of the most exciting and dynamic basketball in the history of MLB."

11:56 AM

 

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